I saw a solitary magpie this morning. One for sorrow. I never used to be one for superstitious tendencies but I’m not taking any chances these days. You think I’m in any sort of position to turn a blind eye to one of those thieving little monochrome bastards? Think again. I did a small head nod and wished it a good morning, like any duty-bound fortune teller would’ve advised. I’m still not sure what to make of the fact that it then flew over to join me on a small patch of grass the other side of the road and pretty much walked next to me for several paces…. Does that mean extra, inescapable sorrow? Or is it a good sign? Either way, passing groups of magpies is becoming an increasingly tense affair. As is the mere sight of 3 drains in a row…. or a ladder antagonisingly straddling the entire width of a pavement.
Essentially, everything now falls into two camps – good omen, bad omen. Chopping into a pepper and discovering a tiny baby pepper growing inside it = good omen, playing a game of scrabble and realising that the only word you can play is “barren” = bad omen. Everything in my life right now is a reminder of our situation, it’s relentless and incredibly boring. I’ve developed an impressive ability to segway any topic of conversation into one involving me, myself and my womb and I feel truly terrible for friends and family who, by this point and quite understandably, want our IVF to be succesful just so I finally shut up about it. Their unwavering support throughout all of my broken-record-ness is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank them enough for.
Much to their delight and just in case I’m not already spamming everyone with enough written updates on the inner-workings of my reproductive organs, I’m now trying my hand at “vlogging” too and this time, my husband is joining in on the fun and games! For anyone unfamiliar with the term – no, vlogging isn’t some kind of flatpack Swedish furniture; its a video log – a video diary. Yep. Simon and I, amongst a few other patients, will be sharing (read: oversharing… actually, read: broadcasting) the good, the bad and the ugly of our IVF process and abc (the IVF clinic I’ve been doing a bit of writing for) will eventually make a short film out of the footage. Every IVF cycle is different and abc want to show real stories from real people in the hopes that these might be helpful to someone….or at least vaguely insightful.
Now, this isn’t going to be the sort of thing where I update you every time I go to the toilet – although in fairness, the occasional toilet update may end up being highly relevant/crucial to some of the content so that’s a bad example, let me start again……..
Now, this isn’t going to be the sort of thing where I update you every time I make a cup of tea (that’s better), these videos are going to be very specific to our IVF cycle and the preparations, appointments, injections, operations, highs and lows that come as part of the package.
I hope – and this may well be me downplaying my inevitably volatile emotions during the process – that my husband and I might one day look back on these videos, regardless of the outcome, and feel proud that we did something quite huge together.
Oh there will be tears, I’m sure. Having only very recently burst into tears when the contents of our cutlery drawer failed to reveal a single knife to butter my toast with, I’d say tears were pretty much a guarantee. Of the happy variety though? There’s just no telling…………but there is a chance. Perhaps our IVF cycle won’t be quite as devastating as a knife-less cutlery drawer. Perhaps it will in fact, be even more exciting than unexpectedly discovering a drawer full of shiny silverware smiling back. Oh great, now I’m going to think about IVF everytime I reach for a spoon. That’s another one to add to the list of seemingly unrelated but nonetheless stark reminders of our infertility charading as everyday items. God forbid I think of anything else for more than five sodding seconds.
If you’re interested in watching these video updates (featuring yet more back and forth mental instability and ridiculous metaphorical analysis) – follow me on Instagram @laurenifen – if not, please ignore / unfollow / mute as you wish.
Probably worth noting here that there is the potential for the content to be triggering for some people. We will talk in detail about sensitive topics, we will show footage of needles/injections and we will eventually share the result.