What the BLOG am I doing?!

This is my first proper blog post.

I suspect that I’m supposed to open with something profound and philosophical but the truth is… I’m just a bit lost. I don’t mean in terms of the blogosphere – sure there’s that too – but I’m lost trying to navigate my way through a journey I never thought I’d have to make. The journey of infertility. I like to call it a journey because we (my wonderful husband and I) are lucky enough to still have options available to us and a vaguely clear idea about the direction we’re heading in. Our next stop, which has been looming ever closer for a while now, is IVF.

Struggling to conceive has invaded my life…………..and my body. If you witnessed how completely at home and comfortable I now am dropping my knickers and cartwheeling into a pair of leg stirrups so that a MALE doctor wearing a head torch can shove an assortment of instruments inside me, you’d be horrified. If you saw the inside of my bathroom cabinet you’d be forgiven for assuming it was the cupboard of a well-stocked meth laboratory. And if you rifled through my camera roll, well, you’d be treated to an embarrassing photo shoot of negative pregnancy tests. I don’t keep them – that would be madness, I just photograph them from different angles and play with the lighting to make absolutely sure I haven’t misread the test window before I throw them away. Totally normal.

I’ve spent the last couple of years in a perpetual state of feeling on the very cusp of a pregnancy. Initially, making plans further than a few weeks in the future was beyond the realms of my capability. Any invitation catapulted my thoughts to all kinds of pregnancy related considerations:

I’ll almost definitely be pregnant by that date…

In fact I’m probably pregnant right now…

It’s entirely possible that I might actually be in labour on the day of this event…

I’ll have to decline. Given that I am… you know… with child.

Later down the line, my mentality shifted and I started actively agreeing to plans that I knew wouldn’t be possible if I became pregnant. I guess I was tempting fate… but fate was not tempted. It is precisely this mentality that landed me in a god awful 100 mile bike ride which, at the time of agreeing to, I had felt certain wouldn’t be something I was able to participate in owing to the fertilization I anticipated taking place in the lead up.

So as you can tell, rather than being prepared for IVF, I feel completely overwhelmed and astonished that this is where we’re at. I’ve had my moments of anger, sadness and jealousy but mostly I have just felt incredibly lonely – isolated at the hand of my empty womb. I don’t want to feel like this is a secret anymore so I’ve decided to take a brave (foolish?) plunge and write about it all instead.

So somewhere in the middle of my complicated emotional state (fuelled by the cocktail of hormones soaring through my blood stream) I birthed this little blog. Pun intended.

17 thoughts on “What the BLOG am I doing?!

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  1. Superb piece of writing. Just so beautifully written. I love your style. My heart aches for you tho. I hope you get positive messages and are encouraged xxxx

    Well done my lovely 😘

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Brilliant post written with such strength and integrity!
    I completely agree with things like this not being a secret, it’s silly because the reason we gather friends and family around us throughout our lives is so that we can lean on them when we are having tough times.
    We were very lucky with our fertility (because it is luck!) but I fully prepared for it being a struggle due to my mum taking 5 years to have me and certainly felt like a women possessed weeing on every kind of stick possible whilst we were trying.
    Good luck with it all and I look forward to reading more xxx

    1. Thank you so much. I agree with you so much on the luck part… who knew it could be so hard? You’re right, friends and family are there for support and it’s so important we use them. I’m amazed at the response. Congratulations on your beautiful boy and I wish you all the best for whatever is next for you!

  3. This is really well written. I have never been that myself but several close friends have and my heart absolutely aches for them. Keep writing. It’s fantastic.

    1. Thank you so much, we all need friends like you during times like these. Your empathy towards your friends will be so appreciated even if it doesn’t seem it. Thank you for taking the time to read xx

  4. Spot on. I feel everything that you write! I just completed my first IVF round last week and have 7 frozen embryos ready to transfer in the coming months. I have my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly for you. Look forward to reading about your journey xx

  5. Don’t worry IVF really isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be. I’ve just had a second round fail & I’m still standing. I’m hoping it’s third time lucky 🤞🏼 Good luck with everything x

    1. Hi Emma, I’m sorry to hear of your 2 IVF rounds and I’m really really rooting for you for the third time lucky. Thank you for sharing and helping me to feel less scared about it xxx

  6. Love your post! I am in the same situation, we went through a roller-coaster of emotions from the same “I will definitely be pregnant by then” to “we will probably never be able to have our own kids” to IVF and “sure you are the fourth person looking up my lady parts in a week make yourself comfortable” 😂 our first cycle failed and we are about to start the second one. It is so lonely and draining but it really helps to hear from other people who are also going through the same thing or have come out the other side. Please do keep writing, I am crossing my fingers for you and look forward to your next posts.

    1. Hi Claire, great to hear from you and I am so with you on that “fourth person to look at my lady parts this week” 😂😂😂😂 wishing you allllllll the best for your second round of IVF you absolute superwoman xxx

  7. I totally get where you are at. I just went on a holiday that I thought I would be 6 months pregnant at.

    However, the good news was after our first round of IVF, I did go on that holiday with a 6 week old baby brewing.

    Good luck. Ivf is less scarey that it sounds, just expect to feel like a hen growing eggs.

    Xxx

  8. Wow! I’ve never before read something so relatable – thank you for sharing! Currently waiting to start our second round of IVF (our first round failed earlier this year) and it isn’t quite as bad as you think it will be – but still lots of knicker dropping and leg spreading for the male doctor with the head torch to come! I wish you all the best look with your IVF journey. Xx

    1. Hi! We’re part of a very niche group aren’t we? Someone called it the strong girls club….. I like that. I’m so sorry about your failed round but wishing you alllllllll the best for this one… xxx

  9. Reading your blog is just what I needed today. I can relate to you soooo much.
    My husband are have been trying for a baby for nearly 3 years. We got funding for IVF back in April and due to complications we are still waiting to start. We need further funding as my husband has a chromosome translocation, which requires PGD. I feel like my life is on hold and all I am doing is waiting. I also feel extremely isolated as all of my friends have children and do not understand.. they think I should just relax and it will happen!! Sorry for my ramble, what I really want to say, is THANKYOU for being brave and writing your blog and please keep writing.

    1. Hello!!!! So glad you stumbled across it and thank you for commenting! Wow, that’s tough for you guys, I feel for you and I’m crossing all my fingers for your IVF round starting soon…. It’s sooooooo hard when everyone around is popping out kids – I am with you on this one. Some of my friends have got engaged, married and had two babies in the time we’ve been trying! Sending lots of love!!! X

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